I have a responsibility towards my readers to only write what I will stand by for years to come. This does pose a problem, since you see, growth runs after a man in pursuit of knowledge, only to find him dreamily staring at a beautiful mind open to change. Long sentence I know, in short, if you wanna grow you need to know you are signing up for change as well. The right direction is never simply forward.
The biggest change was probably about what it means to have a real relationship with the God who is the creator of everything, whose beyond comprehension yet makes more sense than this world, compassionate beyond any logic and most of all in love with me. I’ve gained respect for Him as I learned what He is and what He is not. He is not someone you can spin a story to, you cannot suprise Him or disappoint Him, He has no desire to be impressed. He understands even when you keep quiet.
His advice flows like a gentle stream into your mind, refreshing you, giving you hope. It’s like a torrent river dragging you with into motion to pursue the ultimate. His Grace is like the ocean drowning you until you die to yourself and feel alive for the very first time.
I have a dear friend who is a new mother and she made a reckless decision. Afterwards she was so hard on herself and so upset she couldn’t think straight. I met her for coffee and she explained to me what had happened and how she cannot believe she did something like that, I tried to reassure her and I explained that the road to sanctification is full of turns and bumps and valleys. the trick is, no ones road looks exactly the same and all the street lights have gone. We have a flashlight in the word and we can get an idea of what the map might look like from others but in honesty we all learn about a turn on the road by bumping into the wall. There is no shame in that, going into 4 wheel drive to drive up the wall is less wise but feeling around and finding the road again is the best you can do. She was still the same awesome lady she was before her baby arrived, some of it just had to change and only finding out about that change on her way is okay, it is actually expected.
All these things that I know about Him has changed the way I look at beggars, homosexuals, sick, desperate people and those who has fallen. I respect them for the works of amazing creation that they are. I imagine how much good there is in them and I press myself to see them for who they are beyond the robe of disapproval the enemy has clothed them in.
My own pain and fears have shown me that God is so close to me in those times, not just in a supporting role but He is close in that He feels the pain, more intense than I do myself. My opinion has changed about many things more, but mostly I’d say I’ve become less opinionated. I have also figured out that my opinions are not actually what people want from me. The biggest change, and in all honesty the gears are still turning on this one, is my own valuation of myself. I’m learning to love myself the way God loves me. It is not easy and road isn’t clearly laid out, but I’m walking on, in a direction that is not simply forward.