The joy of Pain

2015-01-28 12.21.55A few weeks back I wasn’t feeling too good and my doctor booked me into hospital and changed most of my meds. Psych meds take a while to kick in so I’m in a an in between period now where I’m not feeling too good. I’ve been on the new meds for four weeks now. It has been a wild ride. Let me describe a bit better; it has been a sort of hell. I’ve been grumpy, teary, suicidal, hopeless, slightly feverish and of course sleepless and drowsy all in one… I’m learning to cope better and there are a few fun facts that I am making my own and they are enabling me to cope a bit better every day. The ones I can think of now are :
*My grace is enough for you: so I have already mentioned that each day is really hard for me, so during the day I’m constantly asking God to explain to me why am I doing this again? More importantly HOW am I suppose to get through each day? It is very hard to beat bad emotions, it hurts the same way as a headache hurts and it makes everything you have to do much harder to do. But God term kinds me that through His have my strength and durability is enhanced and made to be enough for the day. One of the things I have to do to ensure I get to tomorrow to try the whole survival thing again is I have to hope, which brings me to my next fact:
**This serves a purpose: God will not let anything happen that He can not redeem. God has a purpose with what I’m going through. I can already testify to this, this note in itself is proof that I am growing and learning important facts. But the flowers sprouting from this grave are not only for my own personal joy and enhancement but for others as well. Someone may read this note and be encouraged by it. It may give them clarity in their own difficult situation. Hopefully they will also learn the following :
***Do what you can today and trust God with tomorrow: if I think that I have to feel like this everyday for I dunno how long I really just want to kill myself and everything just gets too much and I get anxious. Anxiety just disables me even more and it drains all my energy. Jesus talks about this in Matthew when he says that we cannot add to our lives by worrying and that we shouldn’t because we have a heavenly father who knows what we need and will take care of us because he takes care of the birds and wild flowers and he loves us more than he loves them. To stress about what lies ahead and whether I will make it is to forget everything God has already done for me and act as if I have no God in heaven who looks after me and that is in reality quite a silly thing to do since we trust so many other things to work today and tomorrow because they did yesterday for example our car and the plumbing.
****Pain from mental illness is a unique sort of pain that should be respected : I have been so disgusted with myself and everything I’m feeling because it is all just in my head, my dog didn’t die or I didn’t lose my job so why am I feeling so terrible. I feel ashamed and weak for being so sad with no reason. It is like having a big bruise because you bruise easily and not because you killed a giant monster. I’ve come to accept that although the pain has no real source it still comes at me and must be counted, the strength I need to resist the hopelessness is just as real as it is for a physically sick person. In a sense this type of pain ads it’s own torture in that there is no source you can address, there is no story you can tell to justify your behaviour, so you have to carry the guilt for not making it in some way due to just being in too much pain all by yourself. It is so hard to explain to people why you look so glum or to let go of the regret of not doing everything you could have. The good news is that Jesus knows exactly what goes on in your head and he knows that you’re not putting on. He knows just how much the pain is and how bad it feels to know that you cannot do much to stop the emotions from coming you can only cope with them you can only survive it, maybe become a bit wiser and tougher.
*****Toughing it out to make another day makes you one bad ass brave person : the thing with depression is that it takes anything from weeks to months to get better so when you’re in today and your emotions are killing you and you know tomorrow is gonna be pretty much the same story it takes all the brave and guts you have to continue through the day, go to bed (not sleep necessarily) and face the next day. It is different from worry in the sense that worries are based on the what if’s of tomorrow while this type of paralysing anxiety comes from knowing that unless a miracle happens tomorrow you are going to feel horrible the whole day, it might be slightly better since depression can recede over time but it will still hurt. It is the same dread and hopelessness you would feel of you knew for a fact that your hand was gonna be chopped off the next day
So I have no heart wrenching story to tell or scars to show but this Valley I’m in is real the good news is that God is even more real, his grace abounds even more, his words comforts in spite of it and his spirit strengthens me in the midst of it. If there was a parachute seat in this wild ride the button would have been pressed a long time ago and I know God knows that too. He won’t let me suffer a moment longer than what the situation requires and that gets me through each minute cos I know he will make this count and he stands on the other side of this time period and He is happy with how it all turned out.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s