As most of my readers know by now, I am bipolar. I had an episode July last year, where after they changed my meds and added Seroquel (Dopaquel) Now if there is a drug that I hate, it is Seroquel. It makes you super fat super fast along with a string of other side effects. I was desperate to be stable so I took it on the chin and took my meds as prescribed diligently. Later the year, October about, Someone prayed over me and said he is confident I can slowly lower my meds. Now before we all jump to our acquired opinions (because we have all tried and mostly failed at leaving the meds) I didn’t consider this an option for,, in my mind, it is irresponsible to change your prescription on your own but as time went on the Seroquel started getting to me more and more because I had to diet just to prevent gaining weight and that is no life!! My brain was useless (note the long gap between posts). One night in Church, I asked God out of desperation whether what that man had prayed over my life and everything that was said and prayed for could actually manifest if I just choose to have faith? He answered a few weeks later with Peter’s story (the whole walking on water episode) and told me what you choose and believe in will follow. I decided to lower my Seroquel by 25% and by the 5th day I wasn’t in the mood to get out of bed, nevermind take care of myself or do something (not even something unproductive). So after a stern talking to from my husband I went back to the prescribed dose and after 2 days I was feeling well and able again. This left me with a dilemma, did I get God’s message to me about Peter and all wrong? (which has serious implications for my trust in the Holy Spirit’s work in me) I brought the dilemma to God, I poured my heart out, confessed my doubt in the strength/clarity of our relationship and confessed that I was disappointed. Here is the thing, I didn’t stop there, I continued to tell God that I love Him with all I am and that I won’t forsake Him due to this (actually quite petty) thing and that I don’t understand but I’m going to keep on serving Him and trusting Him regardless. I left the issue at His feet, away from my mind, I didn’t want it creating doubt in the most amazing relationship I have in this world nor did I have the power to fight it out with God right now, It is almost as if I felt I had better things to do, better things to pray about. So the prayer request to be free from Seroquel went unanswered in quite a dramatic and slightly traumatizing way.
About 4 weeks ago I lost the plot again… Ended up in hospital, under the care of a new psychiatrist. He was just what I needed, he listened to my whole story and how I feel my bipolar affects my life. After calming me gently and encouraging me, he said something along the lines of how my previous doctors arrived at my current script would make for a interesting story but that he wants to “clean it up” “You don’t need to be on 4 mood stabilizers, 2 will do for now” he said. Guess which one was first to fly? Seroquel!! Yay! I was cautious and told him about my trial a few months before. He wasn’t bothered, he had a plan and if I followed his instructions he was confident we would be successful. I have been Seroquel free for 3 weeks now. Yes, he did up the dose of the mood stabilizers he decided to keep but I was free from the one drug I wanted out of my life. My once unanswered prayer was finally answered. To add to this he has encouraged me and said if I have a good year we can reconsider the dosages of the meds I take now and maybe lower them over time. (so I’m really hoping for that)
Looking back at the disappointment I felt and the questions my failed attempt raised, I now view them as arrows on fire, aiming straight for my relationship with God. The devil thought he got his gap to inflict major damage to this great thing I have with God, but by grace I didn’t let them into our sacred place, the curtains weren’t burned to the ground and the altar still stands. In fact, now more than ever before do I trust God and His Spirit in me. It was a question of timing, nothing more. I could have made it into this big “make or break” dilemma and thrown away a lot, but by God’s grace and the guidance of the Holy Spirit I disabled the attack before any real damage was done. Yes, for a while I was a bit weary of God, but I didn’t let that stop me from praising Him.
If my prayer had been answered immediately and I got rid of the Seroquel by myself I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to struggle with God and see our relationship survive it, I wouldn’t have had the chance to disarm the devil and shame him. I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to realise that what God and I have is more than about requests (and their outcome). I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to upgrade psychiatrists and so much more. A lot has changed i.e. I gained a mentor to guide me through the jungle that is the spiritual side of mental illness. My faith and hope is stronger than ever.
God’s timing really is best, but if we don’t trust it and give God space to move as He sees fit we can inflict a lot of damage on the pearl that is our relationship with Him. So every time He takes the risk of waiting for the perfect moment that is not now, He trusts us to trust Him and not lose the plot.
I am grateful now, more for the unanswered prayer than the answered one.