I’ve been anxious and depressed for a few days now, the milder form of it has been with me for atleast a month now. But it has become unbearable in the last week and a half. I took on too much this year with trying to give chemistry extra lessons (12 hours class, 4 hours prep), together with completing my masters, which entails a lot of lab work and then writing up of my thesis.
So what do I do to make these feelings go away? I’m in the process of stopping the extra classes, but my heart still carries the burden, I have failed my student, and the pressure has already pushed me into this hole, so even though the pressure is gone, I am still in the hole, relieving the pressure does not imply that you get a ladder with it…
Even if I had a ladder, this may sound crazy and totally unlike the Charlotte you have come to know, but I am too tired to care for the ladder, I want to just sit here, pause my life and responsibilities, and cry. I am paralyzed by the butterflies (or rather freaking crazy cockroaches) in my stomach and I dunno whether I want to nap, read, eat, sit down, stand up, watch a movie or just stare at the wall.
We’ve prayed, read the Bible, listened to sermons and prayed some more all in search of hope and that peace that “surpasses all understanding” I have talked to myself and I have rationally thought this through and although everything seems to be fine now, inside my heart is failing me.
Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
The strength of my heart? but I just said my heart is failing me, how can He be the strength of my heart then? Is He saying that I should leave all reason and method I have within myself behind and just stretch my hand out and grab onto Him? Just Him? not how He can help, but just Him? David also writes:
Psa 119:15 I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways.
Psa 119:16 I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your word.
Leave behind all that centers around me and my despair, even the encouraging verses and just delight in who God is? Yes. It’s like switching channels from the shopping channel where you are searching for the answer to your dust accumulation crisis to the History channel where you just delight in your new found knowledge about the persian empire. God is the TV, and instead of focusing on how He can help me, I should focus on who He is, learn more about Him. Divert my focus and maybe forget my troubles and end up finding the relief I so desperately need. I think I will go read a book then, about the sermon on the mount, you know, get to know Jesus a bit better, I’ll probably nod off half way through, but that’s okay too 🙂