I’ve been anxious and depressed for a few days now, the milder form of it has been with me for atleast a month now. But it has become unbearable in the last week and a half. I took on too much this year with trying to give chemistry extra lessons (12 hours class, 4 hours prep), together with completing my masters, which entails a lot of lab work and then writing up of my thesis.
So what do I do to make these feelings go away? I’m in the process of stopping the extra classes, but my heart still carries the burden, I have failed my student, and the pressure has already pushed me into this hole, so even though the pressure is gone, I am still in the hole, relieving the pressure does not imply that you get a ladder with it…
Even if I had a ladder, this may sound crazy and totally unlike the Charlotte you have come to know, but I am too tired to care for the ladder, I want to just sit here, pause my life and responsibilities, and cry. I am paralyzed by the butterflies (or rather freaking crazy cockroaches) in my stomach and I dunno whether I want to nap, read, eat, sit down, stand up, watch a movie or just stare at the wall.
We’ve prayed, read the Bible, listened to sermons and prayed some more all in search of hope and that peace that “surpasses all understanding” I have talked to myself and I have rationally thought this through and although everything seems to be fine now, inside my heart is failing me.
Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
The strength of my heart? but I just said my heart is failing me, how can He be the strength of my heart then? Is He saying that I should leave all reason and method I have within myself behind and just stretch my hand out and grab onto Him? Just Him? not how He can help, but just Him? David also writes:
Psa 119:15 I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways.
Psa 119:16 I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your word.
Leave behind all that centers around me and my despair, even the encouraging verses and just delight in who God is? Yes. It’s like switching channels from the shopping channel where you are searching for the answer to your dust accumulation crisis to the History channel where you just delight in your new found knowledge about the persian empire. God is the TV, and instead of focusing on how He can help me, I should focus on who He is, learn more about Him. Divert my focus and maybe forget my troubles and end up finding the relief I so desperately need. I think I will go read a book then, about the sermon on the mount, you know, get to know Jesus a bit better, I’ll probably nod off half way through, but that’s okay too 🙂
The quirky curious philosopher 
I really love your honesty, Charlotte, when many believers would have tried to give a super-spiritual answer. I am not bipolar, but my wife and I went through major clinical depression about 20 years ago, so to a tiny extent I can grasp that feeling of total tiredness and no emotional energy to do the right thing. With good medication and much prayer, we pulled through. But every now and then I have to re-establish priorities and cut down on my responsibilities – watching my ‘rev-counter’ is good for me!
I think that by being ‘real’ you are helping many others. By the way, we have a family member who is bipolar, and I know that his wife finds help in your writings when she has a moment to visit them.
Grace, mercy and peace to you.
Yes the battle between to be honest including negativity vs just being positive and encouraging is hard to manage. Your comment is really inspiring, I feel it is all worth it if one person benefits from it. Thank you again
I’m glad you changed the focus. I think whatever we do to distract ourselves from self flagellation during the wait is good. Especially if its something that doesn’t somehow make us feel like we have done something wrong for being mentally ill.
Sometimes the only thing we can do when we are in the hole of depression & anxiety is wait for the moment when the strength returns and we can start climbing out again.
Because this is what I have learned from a lifetime of struggle with depression/anxiety – its not static and the energy comes back and the Ick (anxiety) and the Stillness (depression) recede.
Its like the sun. Even when we deal with days and days of grey weather, we KNOW the sun will eventually come back and shine.
So, when all else seems impossible, I just grab that this thought. This will pass. Because the sun always comes back.
Hey. Yeah my husband reminded me today if how many depressive spells I’ve survived, because the sun rises again.
Don’t forget Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
I’m so glad you’re using scripture and knowledge of the Lord to combat these feelings! Keep looking up!
Thank you for the encouragement!
Very beautifully put into words. I loved this.
Thank you 🙂