So I’m going through a rough time again, fighting off extreme fatigue, demotivation compounded by long hours in the lab. God’s peace and reassurance is walking alongside me and I am, most of the time, feeling okay to happy. As I mentioned in my previous post, time to shine, I am fighting some sort of depression again, but this time the depression is losing (happy dance)
I’ve been speaking to God a lot about everything that is going on, because on top of all this, I need to start planning for next year, I need to decide where I want to do my Ph.D. and in which field of chemical engineering. I also need to decide if I’m going to have the Implanon that I had implanted in January removed (it is a contraceptive that they implant in your arm) I’m considering this because one of the possible side effects is depression and I’m wondering if that isn’t what brought all this on.
I have asked for wisdom and insight, guidance and a strong hand. I have asked Him to shepherd me, not that He wasn’t giving me all these things already, I just felt that the time called for more intense prayer and supplication. I’m even considering a fast to make me more sensitive to the Holy Spirit and open to the word of God.
What I realised this morning while writing in my journal, was that I miss Jesus, I miss just being with Him, sitting with Him, sometimes talking, sometimes just sitting. I love Him and I want to just be with my Beloved. I meditate regularly (not in the traditional sense, I clear my mind and then invite God to speak to me) and sometimes a Lion shows up and we just lie next to each other, I comb through His mane with my fingers and just appreciate His majesty, I believe it is the Lion of Judah that comes and sits with me as if to remind me that who He is, is enough, no deep conversation needed. Those times of meditation build me up a lot, it is as if all other things in my life fall into perspective and I can think with a clear mind. I am sure that in those times and even afterward when I’m continuing with daily life stuff, the Holy Spirit works in me, moving things around, cleaning up, throwing out, bringing in new things.
I have realised that all I want is Jesus. To stare into His eyes, once again be made aware of His love for me. Once again be reminded of who my God is.
My Jesus is love immeasurable, uncontainable, pure and committed. My Jesus is holy, so different from any god this world can think to create. He is unfathomable and glorious in His ways. He is the Lamb that was slain, He is the centre of my whole world, the one by which I measure everything. He is all I need.
Give me the one my soul delights in, Give me the one in who my hope is securely found. Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.