I haven’t been sleeping well for a few nights now. In my case, not sleeping has a snowball effect; the less I sleep, the less I am able to sleep. Is this the depression? I don’t know. All I know is that I have to keep on working on my master’s degree. I can’t waste any time.
This is tough for me, over the weekend I had the blues every day and the side effects from the higher dose of meds just made it worse (akathisia: internal restlessness). I’m so tired.
There are positives to this rather irritating situation, my husband and I are fighting this together which pulls us closer to each other. I must say we make a mean team. I’m also realizing how deep my faith runs, no matter how bad it gets, I never get thoughts of blaming God or thinking He has left me. (although even if I had those thoughts, it would be okay, He can take it :)) I don’t feel His presence but I know deep down inside He is right next to me, carrying this burden with me. I realize this knowledge is all a gift of grace that He has bestowed upon me, and that makes it easier to believe because I know it is not out of my own strength, but purely by His strength. I am truly blessed. On the Emotional front I’m not half as resilient though and I get the distinct feeling from deep inside that that is also okay. I’ve grown a lot, but I’m still growing and it is okay that I don’t know how to handle the depression yet. God uses everything we offer up to Him with a sincere heart and He is using this to show me the strength of my faith, and that revelation is enough to encourage me that all of this will be okay, I still have God.
Like I said before, it is okay that I’m not coping too well emotionally, I still have a long way to go and that is also okay, God doesn’t want us perfect (one day, when He returns, we will be made perfect), He wants us compliant, submitted to His will. “His rod and staff, they comfort me” I know that God is working within me and that He will address flaws and impurities in me as time goes on, more specifically as His time goes on.
I am learning that I am a work in progress, I am learning that God enjoys being with me no matter what my current state. I’m learning that it is super okay with God that I am not on top of things. I’m learning to be patient and kind to myself. The enemy meant for this depression to cause me harm, but once again God is using it for His purposes. I am in awe of Him, I’m in love…