So I’m back in Pretoria after visiting my parents as I mentioned in my previous post: In honor of greatness 🙂 . I jumped back into the game with a visit to my psychologist this morning and as I’m typing I’m in the lab, working again. Kicking off an experiment tomorrow. It was scary to come back, I felt so safe at my parent’s place and I had a nice little routine going there. But it is better being back home with my husband and cats, they really missed me 😉 I missed them too!
Yesterday my mom dropped me off at the airport a few hours before my flight. I was sitting in the lounge when it hit me that I’m in limbo, not with my parents nor with husband either. I was for 2 hours, just me.
It felt so cool, it was like someone had taken my sheep out of the kraal into the fields to wander. I wandered in my mind to different places, I met my shepherd , sitting under a tree, He had been watching me wander around these open fields for a while. I ran to him (in my head sheep can run okay) I blehhh’d at Him and He smiled. I knew I was safe to wander around some more, He’s watching over me. I knew that He was the field I was exploring, so I wouldn’t be leaving Him, in fact I might just find Him.
Where would my mind take me? I was relaxing, chewing a bit of grass, you know just staring into space, when I saw the ocean. I walked right towards it. It took me to the edge of a cliff, I nearly kept on walking right off the cliff and into thin air (trying to be a little Peter-sheep :)) but luckily shepherd made me aware that I had reached the edge. Thinking I was gonna look at the ocean and all its charm as it stretches over the horizon, my eyes were instead drawn down, to where the cliff and ocean meet. I watched the waves crash against the land below. The waves would draw back and push forward again breaking against the rocks… This went on forever (it felt like forever at least) I knew that these waves had been doing this for ages and will for ages to come. It was slowly eating away at the land, with each wave the sea takes a few grains of rock with it. There was also a small river flowing into the ocean far off to my right side, but for now the waves put me in a trance as my little sheep head tilted sideways and my eyes fixated on the pull-push, pull-push, pull-push… The sound of the waves pushing and pulling relaxed me and I knew the shepherd had brought me here to see a gracious side of Him I needed to experience for myself.
Like the waves crash against the cliff, they break and fall back but they are not destroyed, they are not absorbed by the cliffs. But the cliffs feel them pounding, pounding relentlessly. My God is like a wave to me and my sins. It washes me again and again, like it did that day I gave my life to Him, like it is doing today, Like it will do till we are reunited. He will not stop, get tired or give up. No matter how hard the cliff, how stubborn my soul, It keeps on washing me. As the cliff gives way slowly, the ocean fills the space, so God fills my heart with Himself as I erode away under His grace. Me, the tough piece of land, with fancy castles I built with pride, shrinks and the ocean, full of beautiful creatures rolls in. God rolls in with his beautiful truths and His perfect nature, more appealing than any garden I planted out of my own will.
My shepherd’s love crashes against, inside and over my heart. eroding away all the pain of the past. It never gets tired, it will never stop. My sin can never overwhelm Him, the waves come again. Each time the waves take a bit of my sinful ways with it. He softens my stubborn heart with his relentless push-pull.
Then the river I noticed earlier pulls me and I stroll over to where it meets the sea… (read my next blog)