The bipolar is getting to me a bit. I’m fairly stable, except for the intense mood dysregulation I’m experiencing (hourly moderate mood swings). But I’m normal, not happy or sad just normal. I think that is good.
What gets to me are the sideeffects of Abilify. So the Akathisia is probably the worst part of it. I can’t sit still, nothing can keep my attention and I’m always itching inside. Sometimes I wish I can pull off my skin and yell at the top of my voice, yep that’s how bad it gets. The irritation and frustration it causes leads to the amplification of any negativity in my mind, even the thoughts of leaving this planet.
So not too long ago the FDA released a statement saying that Abilify can cause impulsive behaviour. Funny thing is before I found that out, I had already complained to both my psychiatrist and psychologist that I’m extremely impulsive and that it is causing damage. Knowing that the Abilify contributes to this behaviour does help a bit with the guilt feelings but it doesn’t curb the impulsivity. That is where the inner strength comes in… I need a lot of it. The list of do’s and don’ts is too much for me and I regularly drop a ball (or forget to pick one up…) The temptations I face are overwhelming. Just a normal trip to the shops have become a battle. I’m constantly having this inner conflict; “I want this bunny, No you can’t have the bunny!”, “Your budget is 200 bucks, But I need 300 bucks to buy what I always buy, what on earth must I leave out huh?” It’s almost like there are two sides of me. The one just wants to give up and do the wrong things and screw the good things and then there is the other side who wants to get better so badly, she is fighting and clawing her way into every conversation in this tumble dryer of a mind I have.
I pray for inner strength. I ask God to intervene and convince me of the benefits of doing the right thing in each situation. But it doesn’t get easier. My impulses are like zombies, I kill them and 5 minutes later they’re alive again coming for me with fresh vigour. I wish I could just behead them once and for all but it doesn’t work that way. Not for me.
So sorry no positive note or message today, just me being honest about the real struggles I face for the sake of sanity.