I’m going through a rough time again, depressive episode with mixed features. I had been lamenting to God, bringing my case to Him, asking Him for direction and what I should make of all of this. I felt I should read Hind’s feet on high places again.
This part moved me so much:
Much-Afraid looked at him earnestly. “I have often wondered about the wild flowers,” she said. “It does seem strange that such unnumbered multitudes should bloom in the wild places of the earth where perhaps nobody ever sees them and the goats and the cattle can walk over them and crush them to death. They have so much beauty and sweetness to give and no one on whom to lavish it, nor who will even appreciate it.” The look the Shepherd turned on her was very beautiful. “Nothing my Father and I have made is ever wasted,” he said quietly, “and the little wild flowers have a wonderful lesson to teach. They offer themselves so sweetly and confidently and willingly, even if it seems that there is no one to appreciate them. Just as though they sang a joyous little song to themselves, that it is so happy to love, even though one is not loved in return. “I must tell you a great truth, Much-Afraid, which only the few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love. “Many a quiet, ordinary, and hidden life, unknown to the world, is a veritable garden in which Love’s flowers and fruits have come to such perfection that it is a place of delight where the King of Love himself walks and rejoices with his friends. Some of my servants have indeed won great visible victories and are rightly loved and reverenced by other men, but always their greatest victories are like the wild flowers, those which no one knows about. Learn this lesson now, down here in the valley, Much-Afraid, and when you get to the steep places of the mountains it will comfort you.”
-Hurnard, Hannah. Hinds Feet on High Places (p. 29). Start Publishing LLC. Kindle Edition.
This quote confirms the change in my thinking over the past 3 weeks. That I must find my joy in the inward journey. Like I said: Greatness is hidden in the folds of a servant’s robe. Greatness in the eyes of the King looks very different from greatness in this world and I should not confuse the two. I did for a while. and I’m sorry for that, pride snuck in and now that it has been driven out again (through pain) the journey is more painful but I am glad for it, Living in a lie leads to destruction.
I told God that I want to be like little much afraid (the main character in Hind’s feet) and like those little flowers who grow and sing only for the King’s pleasure. I could sense that in me there was wavering when talking about the flowers, but I prayed to God that He would remove it, I want to love Him and follow Him wherever He goes with all my heart. I trust Him with my future. I am busy giving up all the plans that I had for the sake of His better, more excellent plan. A plan that I cannot comprehend or understand (not even retrospectively) but one day when I am with Him, all will be revealed and I will cry out of wonder for the path He has led me on and the beauty He has created in me. I’m not saying I should just throw out everything I’ve dreamt about over the years because God places certain dreams and desires in our heart that align with His dream. But I’m not making them a goal that I must achieve in order to feel fulfilled. I seek fulfillment in Him. It brings peace and joy unshakeable. In short: I am trusting Him with everything, He nows the desires of my heart, he has placed most of them there Himself! BUT I will not make any earthly achievement the focus of my life, I will kick against being driven by it, but keep on offering it up as a sacrifice to God. Keeping before me the truth that the purpose of any endeavour pursued here in this life has the exceedingly great purpose of glorifying God and expanding His Kingdom.