I wrote this blog 2 weeks ago and forgot to post it. What I wrote here is still true so I thought I’d share it, rather late than never…
The past four days I went through one of the darkest depressions I’ve had to face in literally years. It all started with my handbag being stolen containing my precious journal containing the past 8 months of my life. Then I skipped out on a good night’s rest when an experiment kept me in the lab through the night. The loss of my journal and of sleep caused my mood to destabilize quite severely. I went deep, real deep. suicidal deep… The ship turned last night and now I am fine again. In shock, will take a few days to recover fully but I am feeling normal again “normal is very relative though…) The sun has risen over my dark soul.
If there is one thing that I’ve learned from this turn in the darkness it is that living for MYSELF, for what God wants from ME , for MY treasure in heaven is not good enough. I should simply live because “I AM”. When He thinks it is time for me to go home then He will take me but till then I must live, even if it is a life of no purpose, only of pain. Because God is God, He is the creator of everything, the one who keeps everything in place, the one who breathes life in all living things in this universe. Simply because He is the Almighty God, I will live till He says my time is done.
It is strange but it is what I experienced while in the depths. It is a sure consolation that this life is not for itself but is for eternity and that whether I reach a great deal of success in this world or not doesn’t matter, since what matters is the success in my heart. The intimate moments between Jesus and I. The knowledge of God that fills me. The wonder of this is that it is not earthly knowledge that can be forgotten (like when your journal gets stolen) but truths inscribed on my heart. My spirit bathes and rejoices and dances in this “knowledge”, this Truth in me, through me. Christ, the truth in all It’s splendor, made visible in me.
What I pursue in this world is not something but Someone. Someone who wants to be pursued and caught. Someone who wants to be engaged, who wants to be questioned that He may answer. The truth itself. The truth that can not be lost, the truth that leaves It’s mark on you, changes your DNA forever. This truth that can not be stolen, forgotten or undone by any force in heaven or on earth.
Oh God I have not lost you, yes my memories and journal with all my thoughts are gone and it was a sketch of all I had seen in my time with You, but the mark made on me is still there. It is these marks that I will carry into eternity 🙂
I know today’s blog is not the most coherent, I apologize but I needed to let you guys know that all our toil and endeavour in this world is not for something, but for Someone.