So today I had a meeting with my professor to review my results from my experiments and the mathematic models I developed to explain the trends. He almost literally threw it out the window (I would have actually appreciated it more if he did that cos, ya know I like drama…). He left me so dazed, I have to start all over with my modelling and hope I get a new model that tickles his fancy. It took 3 weeks of pain endless hours in front of the computers and a lot of prayer to get the current model and now he doesn’t agree with it??? what the freaking flip!!!! (yes I’ve lost my respect for punctuation as well) I’m so angry, I had a panic attack just outside of his office. Got home, took a while to get myself together and then wrote this: (be ready for a rollercoaster)
“Prof. threw out my work. So I dunno what to do next, I feel so horrible and my insides are twisting.. I had a panic attack on campus! Ugh. I want to trust God, I want to be okay with Him, but I cannot get myself to say “I trust You” to Him, I feel betrayed and stranded in the middle of nowhere. My friend (who is uber godly and faithful) is going through so much as well, I wish I could take all her troubles away. I wish I could give her answers for what is happening. If I want to do that, who doesn’t love her half as much as He does, why doesn’t He do it?
God I don’t understand You at all, my family and everyone has been praying to You for weeks now to help me yet I end up building the wrong models. Why don’t You guide me? Why don’t You help me? What does it help to pray and ask if You do not respond huh? I thought You were on my side, but I don’t think You are. It feels as if You like to see me suffer, like to see me struggle and give up. Why? I don’t understand You at all.