My professor hates me! (my psalm for the day)

So today I had a meeting with my professor to review my results from my experiments and the mathematic models I developed to explain the trends. He almost literally threw it out the window (I would have actually appreciated it more if he did that cos, ya know I like drama…). He left me so dazed, I have to start all over with my modelling and hope I get a new model that tickles his fancy. It took 3 weeks of pain endless hours in front of the computers and a lot of prayer to get the current model and now he doesn’t agree with it??? what the freaking flip!!!! (yes I’ve lost my respect for punctuation as well) I’m so angry, I had a panic attack just outside of his office. Got home, took a while to get myself together and then wrote this: (be ready for a rollercoaster)

cat-rollercoaster

“Prof. threw out my work. So I dunno what to do next, I feel so horrible and my insides are twisting.. I had a panic attack on campus! Ugh. I want to trust God, I want to be okay with Him, but I cannot get myself to say “I trust You” to Him, I feel betrayed and stranded in the middle of nowhere. My friend (who is uber godly and faithful) is going through so much as well, I wish I could take all her troubles away. I wish I could give her answers for what is happening. If I want to do that, who doesn’t love her half as much as He does, why doesn’t He do it?

God I don’t understand You at all, my family and everyone has been praying to You for weeks now to help me yet I end up building the wrong models. Why don’t You guide me? Why don’t You help me? What does it help to pray and ask if You do not respond huh?  I thought You were on my side, but I don’t think You are. It feels as if You like to see me suffer, like to see me struggle and give up. Why? I don’t understand You at all.

This is not the Jesus I know, This is not the Jesus I read about in the bible. He is good and caring and sympathetic and suffers with the people. He is strong and always in control, always one step ahead. You are so good, be good to me! be faithful! Be Yourself for goodness’ sake! I beg You to intercede in my life and this master’s degree and show yourself to be mighty. You are the one who created everything and You are the one who holds everything together. You! You’re the one who made my bacteria! (object under study for my dissertation) You know exactly what was going on in my experiments!
Reveal Yourself to me, leave the support for now, don’t answer all the prayers for answers and help, and just let me just see Your heart again. Let me just know that You are my Father, my good good Father, my unshakeable, unchanging Father. Help me Lord, I beg You, Show Yourself to me and I know I will grow confident again and brave to face this difficult task.  I know my peace lies with You, it lies in knowing You, knowing You in everything, never changing, always the same. Strong, True. You are the God of Israel the God of King Jehoshaphat. The God of King David. You are for the weak and the lost and the hungry and I am now all of those things, especially hungry. Hungry for a revelation of You, that will satisfy my anger and doubt and turn my mourning into joy again. My frustration into confidence and my disappointment into expectation. Now God, give me You! I will rest in You, till I have renewed strength.”
rest
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6 thoughts on “My professor hates me! (my psalm for the day)

  1. copperpaper says:

    Though I feel the pain in your journey, I am blessed by your honesty.
    As all journeys – I know you (with Him) will get to the other side…victorious
    As you have brought hope in my darkness, I pray you will see where His light is shining…constantly…always.
    xxx

  2. Anonymous says:

    Sometimes God allows us to go through periods of stretching and growing. We are put in a situation to either trust Him or doubt Him. Trust Him.

  3. journeyupward says:

    Charlotte, I can feel your pain and frustration through your post. Hang on. His ways are higher than ours so we don’t always understand the “whys”. He does promise to never leave or forsake us which means things can get tough but He’ll go through it with us. I’ll pray that He’ll give you the insight, knowledge, wisdom and discernment as to how to work out this project again so that it is good and acceptable in your professor’s sight. I pray He’ll give you peace too.

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