At the end, it will be worth all the tears

After having several panic attacks in a row and severe depression, I was hospitalized for two weeks. I spent so much time in therapy, so much I can share. Today, however, I will tell you of one good thing I’ve learned from my sessions in the chair. I was telling my psychologist about how I’m going to try to analyze my thoughts a bit more and question my assumptions, something he had been doing with me from day one. He then replied that it would be a lot like my spiritual journey where I struggled with issues regarding theology and the character of God: Before I started that journey, I knew all the Bible quiz answers, But I didn’t know with all my heart and all my soul that He loved me and that He could be trusted and that He is good. When I started questioning some things, it shook me to the core, I was upset and almost lost my faith, but I kept on searching, I kept on talking to God, even when He wasn’t returning my calls. Now, looking back, I can see that that extremely rough phase in our relationship, where I thought I was drowning and unable to cope without knowing all the right responses and verses for every situation. I now realize the times I felt naked, stripped bare and vulnerable, I was in reality, wrestling in my cocoon, transforming from one body to another, changing for the better. Looking back, I see now that my relationship with God has completely changed it is not just a level up as if it was a game, it was a game-changing moment, from virtual reality to real life.

So, I trust, it will be with my journey inwards. I believe that as I work through my core beliefs about me, I will after a while realize that I really am worth the carbon dioxide I breathe out. The sun can shine on me too. Although I feel like my own worst enemy right now, I believe that in the end, I will find out that I can be my own best friend and cheerleader. But most of all, that I am loveable. I’ll stop chasing the wind of other people’s praise. I will find that I am enough. That I have it in me, by the grace of God, to not only keep on living but to truly feel alive.

It’s going to be scary at times, and as I peel away the masks I will probably feel naked and vulnerable again, but once I see my face reflected in my thoughts and actions, I will be amazed, and I will fall in love with myself, the sort of true love that only God can give to you.  I’m scared, but I’m also brave.

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